Forgiveness

Forgiveness is at the heart of compassion for both ourselves and others.  We forgive ourselves a little bit each time we are able to bring our unconditional presence to whatever we have been avoiding in our lives, whether it is physical pain, a toxic relationship, an old emotional wound, anger or grief we never felt, someone who we feel has caused us pain, our perceived failures in our lives….it can look any way and there are so many things that we avoid in our lives.

The energy of forgiveness is spacious and soft, gentle and accepting. With the mindful approach we turn towards our pain, not away as is the habit for most.  I know that I am given so many opportunities to forgive in my mindfulness practice. Life gives us many opportunities as well. A re-occuring memory surfaces of how I hurt someone, or how I was hurt along with the inner dialogue and the painful contraction, perhaps anger or rage, perhaps sadness or despair.  We welcome all of it with open arms.  We let it into our awareness, even if just for a brief period. We are beginning to connect with the core experience of what we have avoided. 

If avoidance arises, how does it arise? It is part of the nature of the conditioned human mind that we avoid pain and seek comfort or pleasure. This is samsara, the endless cycle of suffering that mindfulness meditation is meant to be an antidote for. This avoidance can look many ways. Perhaps we are in so much pain we turn to food, to TV, to drugs or alcohol, to a new relationship, to pornography, or shopping to try and erase the pain. We bury it and it surfaces again and again. The compassionate way is to gentle turn toward our suffering and let it in little by little. Get to know it. Treat it as a welcome guest rather than a villain who we must keep out at all costs.

These memories and experiences in life and in our practice arise as doors opening, or brief and auspicious arising for opportunities to forgive ourselves and others.  We can begin this process by aligning our mindfulness or intention to open to the whole experience with this unconditional acceptance and take the experience however it arises, as sadness, rage, anger, joy, bitterness, despair, anxiety, excitement…..whatever it is we let it come, and we let go into it moment by moment, breath by breath.

Each time we begin our meditation practice we can set this intention for forgiving ourselves and others. I do this by repeating these phrases silently to myself from the Brahma Viharas on Conciliation and Atonement at the beginning of each formal practice period.

If there is any way I have harmed myself, either knowingly or unknowingly,
through action of body, speech, or mind, I ask forgiveness.
If there is any way I have suffered harm by reason of anything I have thought, or said, or done,
I forgive myself.
If there is any way I have harmed another, either on purpose or by accident,
by reason of anything I have thought, or said, or done, I ask forgiveness.
If there is any way another has harmed me, either knowingly or unknowingly,
through action of body, speech, or mind, I forgive them.

Fresh Start

Often, there are interruptions to our practice, or at least our formal practice.

Interruption, does not mean we have to throw away the whole practice, or castigate ourselves. It is an unhelpful habit to think that ‘I am a failure’, and to somehow feel negatively towards ourselves because our formal practice has fallen away. Of course if this thought comes up, we can choose to let it go, rather than indulge it and show some self-compassion. We can pick up again at any time, whether this means practice of mindfulness meditation on the cushion/chair, or ‘practice in life.’

At any moment we can pick up again our chosen practice and give it our wholehearted effort, even if it has been 3 days, a week, a month or 10 years since we last practiced. In the Buddhist tradition there is a concept of Merit. Merit is accumulated as we practice and does not diminish over time. Our ability to sit with ourselves and all of our experiences and the spiritual strength we have developed will still be there when we come back to our old or new friend, mindfulness meditation.

Fresh start is a particular and very useful technique taught to me by one of my teachers from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. When we sit and things become chaotic, our thoughts are wild and out of control, our body hurts, we feel we are unable to attend to our breath for even a moment, we can just stop everything. As she would say ‘drop the whole project.’ Change your posture, relax, unfurl the legs, open the eyes look outward and just be. When we feel ready we can resume without any guilt, self-criticism and judgement. Using this technique is like hitting the reset button. We start all over again and only what is happening in the present is real, and that is what we choose to relate to.

Fresh start is a great perspective for life. At any moment we can just drop the whole project, letting go of fear, hatred, bored, excitement, worry, grief, guilty, anxiety, or any other experience. We don’t need to cling so tight. Just open the eyes and the senses, take in the outer world, your present experience and start again and again. Each moment arises and passes away.