Self-Compassion

How can we come to know ourselves, accept ourselves, and ultimately show non-conditional love towards ourselves? These are elements of self-compassion or to use the term from Tibetan Buddhism ‘Maitri’ or unconditional friendliness towards ourselves (and others.) When learning to love, forgive, and cultivate compassion it is only possible to do this if we start with ourselves. Otherwise what we try to give to others and are not authentically giving to ourselves will have a sense of hollowness or inauthenticity. Often we become drained, emotionally exhausted, and resentful when we give to others what we have not given ourselves. In this state of depletion and often anger and frustration we are of no use to anyone, including ourselves. To become whole, aware, and compassionate (the basic goals of mindfulness meditation) we need to start with ourselves. I have found that as I work on developing myself through mindfulness practice that the inner qualities it cultivates automatically begin to become infused in my relationship with others. As we embody more peace, more unconditional acceptance, more awareness, more embodiment, more compassion, we simply carry this into all of our engagements with the outside world.

All of this begins with an intention – to allow for ourselves to be just as we are right now. Sitting/practicing with full engagement with our feelings, thoughts, or whatever our chosen object of meditation shows this dedication and acceptance to ourselves. We are putting forth our own best effort for that amount of time we have set aside to just simply be, without judgment with our moment to moment experience. Whether it is 5 minutes or 4 hours, we are sowing the seeds of compassion, unconditional acceptance and love for ourselves and ultimately all beings.

Another self-love exercise that can be very provocative (and beneficial) for most people is just sitting quietly in front of a mirror for say 3-5 minutes and every two or three breaths saying internally or externally if the situation allows ‘I love myself unconditionally.’ Then noticing what comes up around this. Many people experience emotional pain around this as they have experienced either from family circumstances or through their life experiences the seeds of self-hatred. If you experience this, you are not alone….self-hatred is one of the cores issues that causes suffering in our culture and is rampant. Many of us have convinced ourselves that we are not good enough due to messages we received from our family or the culture at large. We have convinced ourselves that we are not ok as we are and continue to chase some fleeting image of perfection that is pure fantasy. It is better to drop that project all together and to begin to cultivate love for yourself as you are in this moment. Whatever your state in this moment, it is acceptable and worthy of love. This exercise, if you are able to just allow whatever comes up to arise, and just continue repeating that phrase to ourselves every 3 to 5 breaths then resting and noticing what comes up and repeating that for 3-5 minutes, can begin to create a foundation for inner warmth, compassion and love towards ourselves. Give it a try and see what happens for you.

Disclaimer: If you experience unbearable feelings, thoughts etc. during this exercise please discontinue and seek out the guidance of a counselor/psychotherapist to assist you. Sometimes we need to learn strategies for safely encountering powerful emotions before we can let them go and begin to heal.